Maybe a press sect for the White House should be a combination of Rodney Dangerfield and Don Rickles- examples from the past. Here is an example press briefing written in their style by A.I.
AI– White House Press Briefing – The Roast Room
Don Dangerfield- Good afternoon, everybody. Please, take your seats. Or don’t. Honestly, my doctor told me to avoid stress, and then I walk into this room. I get no respect, I tell ya. No respect at all.
Before we start, I just want to look at you, Jeff from AP. Look at that suit. What, did you get a clearance deal at a funeral home? Beautiful. Truly. I love what youve done with your hair, too. What is that, a wind tunnel experiment? Don’t laugh, Sarah, your network hasn’t had a rating since the invention of the radio. Sit down, you dummy.
Alright, lets get to the updates. The economy is up, unemployment is down, and my blood pressure is breaking records. The President had a great meeting with the Prime Minister yesterday. Wonderful guy. He looked at me, he looked at my wife, and he offered to fund a relocation program for me. No respect.
Let’s open it up for questions. And please, make them short. My parking meter expires in ten minutes and frankly, I care more about that twelve dollars than any of your careers.
Go ahead, dummy in the front row.
Question– Is the President close to ending the Ukraine war and bringing gas and diesel prices down?
Answer- I get no respect, I tell ya! I ask for a specific news event, and you hand me the two biggest headaches on the planet!
Alright, sit down, keep your mouths shut, and let me explain this to you dummies like you’re five.
You want to know if the President is close to ending the war in Ukraine? Look at Jeff from AP over there nodding his head. Jeff, the only thing close to ending is your third marriage if you keep wearing that cologne. Look at him, he looks like a total hockey puck.
Here’s the deal: Envoys Kushner and Witkoff are working behind the scenes on a joint four-point peace plan. They’re busting their humps talking to European and Ukrainian officials, trying to float everything from territorial compromises to security guarantees. Zelensky even said yesterday he’s ready to negotiate anywhere on the U.S. track. But it’s complicated! It’s like trying to get my wife to agree on a restaurant—somebody’s always crying and nobody’s happy.
Now, let’s talk about gas and diesel, because I know you people love to complain. Diesel is sitting at six bucks and change, and regular gas is averaging four-thirty-three a gallon. My wallet is so flat, when I open it, a little flag pops out that says “Help.”
To bring those prices down, the President signed an executive order waiving some Russian sanctions to get over 300,000 tons of diesel back on the market. Energy Secretary Chris Wright said today that we’re using this fuel as leverage—basically telling Moscow, “You want to sell your diesel? Turn down the conflict or give us an energy ceasefire.”
Of course, Zelensky is screaming bloody murder about the deal, and the market hasn’t completely dropped yet because of drone strikes and Iran acting up. So prices are still sticky, just like the floor in Sarah’s newsroom.
Any other brilliant questions, or can I go home to a wife who ignores me? Go ahead, hockey puck in the second row.
Question– The Federal debt will climb to more than two trillion dollars this year. Do you plan to fix it, avoid the default of social security or allow increased taxes while at war with Iran to stop their building nuclear weapons?
Answer– Oh, look at this. Another upbeat question from the back row. What, did your crystal ball break this morning? You want to talk about a two trillion-dollar deficit, Social Security, tax hikes, and a war with Iran all in one breath? My doctor told me to stay away from heavy lifting, and you just dumped the whole Treasury Department on my chest! I get no respect!
First of all, let’s look at the numbers before you dummies start hyperventilating. Yes, the final numbers for fiscal year 2026 just came in at a $1.992 trillion deficit. Total revenue was $5.4 trillion, but spending hit $7.4 trillion. You know what the third biggest expense was? Interest on the national debt—over one trillion dollars! It cost more than national defense! I haven’t seen that much money disappear since my first divorce!
But are we gonna raise your taxes? Calm down, Sarah, put your wallet away—not that there’s anything in it anyway. The Treasury Secretary explicitly stated that we are going to “grow our way out” of this mountain of debt. The administration isn’t looking to squeeze the American taxpayer, especially not when the average household is already absorbing a $2,000 hit from energy and interest costs due to the conflict.
Now, on to Iran. Yes, the war has cost us about $38 billion so far, adding roughly $3 billion a month. It’s a mess, the Strait of Hormuz is blocked, and it’s keeping inflation sticky. But the President just noted that we are pushing hard to ensure they never acquire nuclear weapons, and once we win this thing, he says prices will come tumbling right back down.
And as for Social Security defaulting? Give me a break. It and Medicare are the biggest line items we protect. The only thing defaulting in this town is your ability to ask a short question.
Next question! And please, make it someone who doesn’t make me want to jump out a window. Go ahead, hockey puck by the pillar.
Question– How soon after the election will Americans see those $5000 checks?
Answer-Five thousand dollars?! Oh, look at you, getting all excited! Your eyes are lighting up like my brother-in-law when he sees an open bar! Look at Jeff over there, he’s already picking out a new suit. Don’t bother, Jeff, they don’t make them in “circus tent.”
Let’s get real for a second, hockey pucks. You want to know how soon you’re getting the “Trump Dividend”? First of all, it’s conditional! The President was very clear at the convention in Dallas—the Republicans have to keep control of the House and the Senate in November. If that doesn’t happen, the only thing you’re getting in the mail is a past-due notice!
And even if they win, you dummies think a trillion-dollar payout just falls out of the sky? It has to go through Congress! You know how fast Congress moves? Glaciers look at Congress and say, “Hey, buddy, speed it up!” They have to figure out how to finance it with tariffs or whatever else, while half the country is screaming that it’s going to blow up inflation.
You want a check right now? If you bought full-price health insurance on the exchange, you might get one of those five-hundred-dollar Affordable Care Act refund checks we’re sending out this month. But as for the big five-grand? Don’t go buying a yacht just yet.
In fact, looking at this room, the only thing being delivered quickly around here is me—straight to the nearest lounge. My wife told me this morning that if I stayed at work late, she’d change the locks. Frankly, it’s the best offer I’ve had all week!
That’s it, I’m out of here! Go bother someone else!
