Beige Bomber Arrested--BP Oil Disaster Flows On, Eduard Amorereau Interrogation of an Oily Engineer

Leaving the homeless press facility in Wasilla Alaska, fresh from enrichment re-education in New York (to save money at the lowest- cost college re-education camp in America concerned as he was with reducing the Federal debt), the free lance Eduard Armorereau is heard to have said, or said to have heard, such an interesting report that it almost reads like fiction...

I had an exclusive interview with the insider oil industry engineer I shall refer to as an interesting person at a wireless espionage coffee-café on Houston’s Richmond Avenue. After the brand news of the arrest of a beige Pakistani at New York's J.F.K. Flughaven, this was the most interesting item of the day so far. It gave me an insight into secret executive planning to contain, finesse and control the unforeseeable illicit, free issuance of ‘product’ (also known as 5000 barrels of oil per day) from a BP oil platform on the abyssal plain way down below the surface (that hiterto had been a refuge for extremist environmentalist seafoods of sealife) nearly two weeks ago into the no longer pristine water of Gulf of Mexico.

I asked the engineer known as ‘Deep Boat’, who was sitting at a corner table in the café below a large color photo of a famous Pemex platform oil disaster that gushed oil for several weeks a couple decades ago into the Gulf of Mexico, if he remembered anything like this ever happening before?

“No twitt. Zapata himself would have been hit like an innocent in the Oort Cloud from such a bolt out of the blue. Frankly it could not have been predicted that a blowout preventer could fail. This is an act of Thor.”

Do you really think so?

“Well, no. That was my third-place thought.”

What were your first and second?

‘My second brilliant idea was that the mountain hillbilly terrorist planner Oz Bin Bomber brought bought influence in the oil industry to sabotage a venerated blow-out preventer in order to smear the pristine beaches of the retirement home estate Colonel--the late former President Jefferson Davis int Biloxi Mississippi.”

That is a terrifying prospect Deep Boat. What was you first idea for the cause of the disaster?

“Cheap labor, illegal aliens and too much alcohol can make that equipment become improperly installed. I plan to have my Richard Feynman moment before a congressional hearing with a roomful of press cameras. I have already received a million dollar contract to wear a shirt to the hearing with an advertisement from a Japanese footwear manufacturer…’Sushi Shoes Sans Succi-4 Spray on Anti-Callous Running’.

Deep Boat, what are the real prospects for stopping the leak from the benthos right away?

“None at all. We have instead designed a satisfactory containment plan. The wind will constantly shift to drive the oil away from sensitive beaches and critical habitat for politicians in affected gulf states and move the free crude to the skimming prissy free loading beaches of Florida. Florida is a no drill state and deserves the mess more than Mississippi. Yet it could easily be a communist plot of the Cubans to steal crude oil knowing that currents may take the gist of it to Cuba shores where it can be recycled in green way an power Cuban cars.”

That’s a mind, numbing all thought, Deep Boat. What about putting a cork in the blown wellhead?

“It’s five thousand feet deep you idiot! When these unforeseeable things go wrong and our games theory modeling of benthos oil structures fail we must use games theory modeling on propaganda containment of formation of adverse political opinion. We have ample dispersants for that. Even the President left after a few hours, and a terrorist of the beige bomber faction from Dubai placed a smoking SUV in Times Square designed by a pre-school to explode when the mouse ran up the clock.”

Do you know these Middle Eastern pre-scholars yourself Deep Boat?

“Net, it’s only a rumor at a rival scuttlebutt wireless Internet café.”

Well then, time is fleeting. Have you learned anything else that we might name as credible scuttlebutt Deep Boat?

“There is a plan to manufacture several immense submersible barges called by the industry Halibut ledge blow-out preventers offshore in tactical locations along the coastline of the Gulf of Mexico at a depth of 1000 feet. Designed to resemble Alaska halibut, these barges are five stories high and larger than Noah’s Ark in length. At first sign of smell of a future vast deep-sea oil affluence the Halibut will leave their deep sea ledge and swim with magneto-hydrodynamic thrust at a thousand miles per hour to the location of the oil leak and encapsulate it thought the sliding moon pool door in the milky white hull. All bubbling, rising light sweet crude oil will flow inside t the mechanical separator and laboratory rectification process of justification. None of the precious oil will be lost. Instead it will be processed by the automatic rescue halibut and fed into a pipeline augmentation splicing mechanism for high speed transport to distant SUVs fueling social progress in Dubai.”

That is important for bi-lateral political relations isn’t it Deep Boat?

“You’ve got that right son. Peace is the real goal of the selfless work at Bugger Petroleum. Defeating the socialists, overthrowing the commune, requires never-ending and unrecognized vigilance—even heroism and open heart surgery with high tech robotic submersible vehicles from cold and dusty control rooms, lots of lobbying and oodles of enterprising legislation. Remember---rust never sleeps.”

That patriotic reminder from an oil company great concluded the interview. Assured that the oil industry would improve the aquatic health of the Gulf of Mexico I got into my 1965 Coup Deville for a drive along the Katy Freeway down to San Antonio and lunch with Alexjendro Vargas at the Alamo High Speed Wireless Internet Café. He was leading an effort to defend Texas from a hostile takeover attempt by illegal aliens to close down free wireless Internet access in U.S. cities and replace it with pay wireless networks exclusive controlled by Mexican drug trafficking gangstas.