Secret Government T.S.A. Inspection Plans A & B (political humor)

The U.S. Federal government airport security screening by the T.S.A. is heavily politically biased and costly for taxpayers. It is a service enabling the rich to fly without concern of becoming detonated and blasted to oblivion in mid-flight. Sikhs and some Muslims are exempt from becoming naked before federal inspectors for religious reasons, and other issues arise.

Our political advisor has obtained a secret N.S.A. contingency plan from the Main Government Planning Logic Computer on plans A and B for screening airport passengers such that everyone will be happy except for taxpayers.

Those passengers willing to pass trough the x-ray vision voyeur pleasuring device will receive complete privacy in the new system. They will just go to a room, strip and send their clothing out in a box on a conveyor belt to be rifled and poked through with only modest laughing and joking about the undergarments (not in the passenger’s presence). The passenger will then go alone into the special screening x-ray vision room, where he or she or gender neutral will be deloused and inspected from a distance by a reformed felon employed by the T.S.A. in Washington D.C. in the distance inspection room full of rehabilitated felons being paid for what they enjoy-watching images of naked people through a window. The Main Government Computer will also watch these people passing through the line. In effect these voyeurs will be acting as doctors viewing X-Rays or whatever noble thing it may be compared to rather than baser sorts of comparison. This federal procedure will trouble none. No T.S.A. employee will be smirking at the passengers as they pass through his or her screening machine on the spot.

The alternative T.S.A. method for those wishing to keep their personal privacy and dignity is the pat-down. The personal pat down is in four lines; two for heterosexuals, one for queers, and another for children.

Each pat down line will be designed to make each passenger comfortable with soft music and soft touches by attractive members of the appropriate gender or gender neutral. Unfortunately none could be found for the children's inspection line, so the government has again hired convicted felons rehabilitated for that task.

The U.S. Government is spending billions and billions of dollars to keep Americans safe and to stimulate the economy simultaneously. Instead of allowing plain Spenserian capitalist natural selection to determine which aircraft should become the nightly news, it is resorting to crunching personal privacy to assure security on common carriers.

A better policy than those suggested in plan A and plan B by the Main Government political computer would be to improve national transportation infrastructure and let airlines pay for their own security while banning anyone from entering the United States that is not willing to be stripped naked and hung by the heels for inspection. If the planes blow up leaving thee U.S.A., well, there are insurance corporations after all.

http://sikhism.about.com/od/culture/a/Culture.htm

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/cair-tsa-can-only-pat-down-muslim-women%E2%80%99s-head-neck/