The People's Fish

 I wondered how the President gets new ideas for old foreign and domestic policy issues. Several of the President’s political ideas long ago passed their expiration dates, though he may have forgotten that. If there was a trustworthy correspondent able to interview one of the President’s primary policy advisers I imagine it would go like this...

The Arctic nation’s conference was set to meet recently so I sought an expert opinion about its prospects and duties. A broadcast-healer; Charles of Gaul, hoop produces a non-partisan parapolitical show at Bering Strait‘s Obiwan River delta studios and is one of President Joe’s primary policy advisers. He said that he could bring back to life peaceful international relations that died years ago. I asked him; Aren’t you the guy that said; “Once dead twice shy”?

He replied; “Yes, but that was before the U.S.A. appointed a new ambassador to the Arctic Nation’s conference. Now we have a true fish of the people leading.”

Will that make a difference Charles?

“Of course”, he said. “Good international relations will solve all of the Arctic issues of the day and restorie world dance.”

I saw a map of the Arctic nations on his video display terminal and there was a big black space where Russia used to be, while in the other Arctic areas colorful little pins were placed about smiling people populating happy, verdant nations.

What happened to Russia I asked?

“They were voted out of the Arctic Nation’s membership and are no longer an Arctic nation. Russians dissented with the Clinton-Yeltsin map divying up the former Soviet Union and are not welcome.”

Charles, won’t that affect the success of Arctic nations working to resolve political obstacles to reversing declining fish stocks, global warming and ocean acidification?

“Not in the least” he said. ‘The militarization of the Arctic will induct the security of fish and especially that of several salmons. Great cryo-fortresses will be constructed at each end of the American portion of the Yukon River to de frappe all potential Russian assaults with aggression against American fish. A constellation of naval bases, artillery, missile and drone sites will be constructed to guard the norther and western coasts of Alaska, while the soft underbelly of the state will be defended by reopening Aleutian military bases. Fort Yukon, Nome, Barter Island and Adak will have Marine outposts and drone bases for air land and sea machines working tirelessly to surveil and secure safety for American fish so Russian predators do not take one dreampt fish from the river. Free Salmon will be free, safe and secure for many generations.

Drone Obama-class tanks will be tireless sentinels patrolling Yukon River frontage with advanced artificial intelligence interdicting and eliminating threat vectors to assure the security of fish.”

Russia might reply in kind I think.

He replied; “Not while they are bogged down in an unwinnable war in Ukraine that costs U.S. taxpayers fewer than 100 billion dollars a year. The Ukraine war is an inexpensive and efficient way to secure peace and safety for Alaska salmon even though they are of dubious political allegiance.”

What do you mean Charles?

“Russia has put up gill nets on its side of the Bering Strait to catch any treasonous salmons that might infiltrate within its territory on the way to the Yukon River. They won’t let any fish escape so far as possible because that could build up the numbers of communists in Alaska, and Russia is a non-communist country these days.”

How are fish communist Charles? asked I.

“They live in communal schools; swimming in the ocean in great Marxist-Leninist dialectical spirals before looping back to mass socialist spawning beds with commonality of females. When they die they pass on their bodies to enrich other communists.”

That seems improbable Charles; what proof do you have?

“It is self-evident mon ami. The Chi-nook salmon are named for Chinese communal nooks at sea with the greatest dialectical spirals of materialism- lasting four years. The Red salmon are hard-core Bolsheviks, and pink salmons are neo-communist sympathizers-fellow travelers of the arch enemy.”

That is bad new for me Charles. Yet at least the silver salmon are free, non?

“Yes, once upon a time silver salmon were free frontier fish, then they discovered the shining path of Maoism and were converted to godless ,atheist ,communism on the open seas where they emulated dialectical materialism of Chinookism.”

What can be done to combat the decline of patriotism Charles?

.“There are honest fish in the sea: yellow stripers, sting rays and groupers that aren’t full of the dictatorship of the proletariat. Renew your faith in good government; there is a way for good government to outflank the ban on making bills of attainder to take the property of those opposed to honest fish management; do you know what it is?”

No; I replied.

“Litigate the varmints. Government can charge the opposition or sue them in criminal and civil court usin partisan judges hoop can set the bail and bond so high the enemy can’t never pay it- then they forfeit their private property on the spot, legally. I think we can redistribute all of the land west of the Pecos to good Democrankists before the end of the decade with a few potty lawyers.”

I looked away from Charles the Gaul toward the sun setting like a lava lamp beyond Little Diomede Island and was reminded of the second movement of the Symphony of Sorrowful Songs.