Political Mechanics obtained a priority interview with Administration economic guru Tim Gagner recently. In the fabulously well-appointed hall of curvaceous mirrors we were served neat mint juleps and tiny ornate cookies to munch on though less filling than we deserved.
P.M.- Thank you for consenting to this interview today, we know you are a busy man. Tell us, and truthfully mind you for we know that the truth would agree with the answers I have written here to my questions how you rate the President's first term performance in advancing gay power?
Gagner: He sucks.
P.M.-Well then, that might have been enough for first term supporters, what does he have planned for a second term if re-elected?
Gagner- The President will add enough public debt each year to raise the public debt total to 22 trillion dollars enabling future generations to pay a trillion dollars in annual interest from a five trillion dollar annual federal budget without reducing the debt at all. That plan may not be enough to win over hard-core red state voters, yet I have more leverage that isn't disclosed.
P.M.-What is it?
Gagner- It is our plan to cut taxes and the federal budget from five trillion to three trillion with one trillion set aside to pay down the national debt annually eliminating it entirely in 22 years starting with the next administration following us. The public would have three trillion to spend on frills such as infrastructure development and environmental protection and pay another two trillion for debt reduction and interest on the debt-a trillion apiece.
P.M.- That seems to add up to a five trillion dollar budget to us. How will the public accept the extra two trillion dollars in taxation?
Gagner- It's not a tax. We will require Americans to buy existential insurance from government-approved retailers on a window shelf exchange for a piece of the American dream. It will be a penalty made upon all Americans for breathing.
P.M.-Interesting. What else have you got if that doesn't sell?
Gagner- We have a special on home-built cold molded cruise missiles for fewer than $299. These babies have a range of 100 miles and can deliver a hundred pounds of dissent with off the shelf prop and motor, g.p.s. and optical guidance.
P.M.- That's sure to win a few more votes.
Gagner- You ain't seen nothin. We plan to halt the funding of the communist military and entirely privatize soldiering and the art of war. That will also save trillions of military entitlement programs. Several different private armies and navies in competion for rich contracts will relieve taxpayer of the burden of self-defense.
P.M.- Anything to increase the single female vote harvest?
Gagner- The President believes that the undermench can be liberated further by placing a penalty upon smiling. Smiling is a way that the undermench show sexual submission to the taller mench.
P.M. -So that's it? Will the President be at the Olympics ?
Gagner- Of course. He would never miss a celebrity happening. He may announce the end of nuclear national competition and outsource ballistic missile leases. We believe that long-range ballistic missiles can lease for a billion dollars per year with full MIRV and MIRV capability, and shorter-range missiles at a discount rate.
P.M.- That is a brilliant plan. Why would Iran develop a nuclear weapons program if they could rent one of our big bangers for just a billion bucks?
Gagner- We will also replace Secretary of State Clinton with the more likable diplomat Sir Don Rickles. The innovations will flow like a million glaciers melting.
P.M. What could be a bigger fulfillment of change than that?
Gagner-Electing Mitt Romney.
No comments:
Post a Comment